


A dark and cloudy night

by Kizzykat



Category: Alexander (2004), Alexander Trilogy - Mary Renault, Classical Greece and Rome History & Literature RPF, Historical RPF
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-14
Updated: 2021-02-14
Packaged: 2021-03-15 19:34:11
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,264
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29441241
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Kizzykat/pseuds/Kizzykat
Summary: Alexander sleeps with a woman for the first time
Relationships: Alexandros III of Macedon | Alexander the Great/Hephaistion of Macedon
Comments: 6
Kudos: 23





	A dark and cloudy night

It was a dark and cloudy night, and Alexander heard rather than saw Hephaestion climbing in through his unshuttered bedroom window. Hephaestion's dignity was not yet robust enough to withstand the knowing smirks and gossiping glances if he made his way to Alexander's room at night through the halls of Pella. The rooves of the palace were preferable.

  
Alexander had been dreading this moment.

  
Hephaestion padded barefoot over the floorboards and knelt on the bed. "Greetings," he whispered, his voice soft and warm as he kissed Alexander's forehead. He could see the glimmer of Alexander's eyes. Although it was late, he was surprised Alexander was still dressed.

  
"I haven't seen you all day," he said quietly, laying himself down on the bed. "Tell me what you've been doing."

  
"Playing host to the Theban envoys."

  
Hephaestion rolled on to his back. "I've had the joys of drilling the young Pages all afternoon. Were we ever that awful at fourteen? You have to watch them like a hawk or they get up to all sorts of mischief."

  
"Yes."

  
Hephaestion turned his head to look at Alexander in the darkness. He could feel the mounting tension stalking the room like a beast in the darkness.

  
"Did you not have a good day?" he asked very quietly. He did not want to set the beast free.

  
"No."

  
He turned on his side and regarded what little he could see of the darker shape of Alexander's profile. Alexander was stiff and still.

  
"Tell me," he whispered, laying his hand on Alexander's arm.

  
"Don't." Alexander snatched his arm away. "Don't touch me."

  
Hephaestion paused, holding himself still.

  
Alexander slowly turned his head towards Hephaestion, who could feel the heat of his gaze like the breath of the beast.

  
"I slept with a woman tonight," Alexander said. It was a flat challenge.

  
Hephaestion's breath stopped.

  
"Oh," he said eventually. "Oh." He was numb. "That's good." No it wasn't. "Why?" he whispered.

  
"You know why," Alexander said hotly. "Because my parents think I am a fancy boy. Because my parents think I do not like girls because I am too attached to you. Because my parents think I should be like them. Because my parents…"

  
Alexander stopped, staring rigidly at Hephaestion. He began to shake as he thought what his parents might do to separate him from Hephaestion.

  
"No. Don't," Hephaestion said, frightened as he felt Alexander shaking. He reached for him, wrapping his arms around him as he scrambled up to sit on his heels, raising Alexander's shoulders, afraid he was having a fit and might swallow his tongue. "Don't," he whispered, cradling Alexander's head. He knew how upset Alexander could get.

  
"No," Alexander said, feeling smothered. He fought his way free from Hephaestion's embrace and off the bed. He stood In the darkness of the room. "Don't touch me," he said. "I can still smell her on me. I am polluted. She was a whore. My father paid for a harlot for me. Paid for a woman who has been with the gods only know how many men. She has probably been with my father too. She's probably with him now, telling him about me. Oh, God." He caught his hands in his hair.

  
Hephaestion, still sitting on his heels on the rumpled bed, stared at his grey shape, clasping his hands tightly against his knees. He was trembling himself. Alexander was beyond him now, different. A man to his boy. He was frightened.

  
"Why did you do it?" he whispered.

  
"Because I had no choice! My father had her presented to me in front of all the envoys, telling them I had yet to lose my virginity. They were all grinning and laughing like fools! I was angry and embarrassed and humiliated."

  
Alexander didn't dare tell him that he had been stirred by her beauty, by the glowing softness of her body and that he had wanted to run his hands over it and see what happened. Yet he had been repulsed by her too, which he could only explain to himself by the thought that she had been with other men.

  
"Did you do it in this bed?" Hephaestion asked quietly, looking down at the rumpled bed.

  
"In it, not on it." Alexander replied. He felt slightly sick now.

  
Hephaestion unfolded himself from the bed and stood, looking taller than normal in the darkness.

  
"You could have paid her off," he said.

  
"I was a bit drunk and I didn't think of that. Besides, you can tell by a woman's eyes that she has just enjoyed sex. And her hair was undone, and by her smell. I wasn't going to lie."

  
He had taken her to his father's room, faced his father in silence, then turned and left. He had gone outside and thrown up. Then he had come back to his room where he had washed his face and hands and privates, ashamed of himself. He had used her and hadn't even asked her name. He hated his father.

  
"You took her back to your father?"

  
"Yes." Alexander said defensively. "I had to prove that I had done it."

  
"Where's your pride?" Hephaestion demanded, and stalked towards the door.

  
"Where are you going?" Alexander cried, grabbing hold of Hephaestion's arm and swinging him round. Hephaestion was taller but he was stronger.

  
"To find myself a whore like you did."

  
Alexander slapped him across the face.

  
Hephaestion charged forward, grabbed Alexander's shoulders and bore him backwards. Alexander stumbled and fell, Hephaestion with him. Hephaestion scrambled to his knees astride Alexander and grabbed his shoulders again to bang Alexander's head against the floorboards.

  
He was weeping now, and knew he was jealous of sharing Alexander, jealous of losing him. He hit Alexander's chest with his fists in vexation, then quickly rose and headed towards the window.

  
"No!" Alexander cried, panicked as he rolled, caught Hephaestion's leg and pulled him down with a crash.

  
Although stunned, Hephaestion reacted instinctively, scrambling to wedge his back between the wall under the window and the clothes chest. He sat rubbing his elbow as Alexander scrambled after him on his knees.

  
"Don't! Don't leave me!" Alexander begged.

  
"Don't be stupid," Hephaestion said, batting at Alexander's hands which were threatening to grab hold of his clothes. "Get off." He pushed past Alexander to rise and stand by the far corner of the window, looking out as he cradled his bruised elbow.

  
Alexander sat on his heels on the floor watching him, his heart beating so hard it felt like he was choking. The thought that Hephaestion might leave him, might not want anything more to do with him, frightened him unbelievably, all the more so because until now he had not realised how much Hephaestion meant to him. Hephaestion was everything he wanted to be: noble, upright, pure. But things got complicated so quickly.

  
"Forgive me," he whispered.

  
Suddenly, the heavy tread of guards could be heard in the hallway outside. They banged on the door and called, "Alexander! Are you alright?"

  
"Yes!" Alexander called, getting to his feet. "Everything's fine!"

  
"Are you sure?"

  
"Yes! Go away!"

  
The sound of the guards retreated, and Alexander and Hephaestion, alert, looked at each other.

  
"I'd better go," Hephaestion said. His voice sounded tired. "They obviously heard us."

  
"No, please," Alexander said hoarsely. "Don't leave me."

  
"I'm not going to."

  
There was a long silence and, reassured that Hephaestion had made no move to leave, Alexander let his guard down and sat on the corner of the clothes chest to rub the back of his head, which was hurting like anything. Hephaestion hadn't been gentle.

  
Hephaestion had retreated to the shadows beyond the window. He said, his voice low, "I understand why you did it. Honestly I do. I know how your father goads you. But we had always talked about it being with someone you could respect and cherish." He paused. "Why didn't you just say no?"

  
"I didn't want to," Alexander said, his voice strained and defiant. He could feel Hephaestion's stillness.

  
"She was very beautiful," he added after a moment, a touch defensively. "Any one of those guards would have bedded her without a second thought. It's not like I raped her. How am I to lead men if I have not done what they do?"

  
"Because you are better than they are," Hephaestion said, sparked to anger as he stepped forward. "You have been educated to know what is right. They haven't. It is your duty to lead them by example."

  
Alexander jumped to his feet. "Am I not to become a man? Must I stay a boy?"

  
"Go ask Aristotle," Hephaestion said, advancing on Alexander. "He will tell you. At our age, we are too impressionable. You will lose yourself in the pleasures of the flesh. You have to discipline yourself if you are to become a man of virtue."

  
"I have been disciplining myself since I was seven years old! You are jealous!"

  
"Yes, I am jealous! You won't want me now you have a taste for women!"

  
"That's not true!"

  
They stared at each other through the darkness. Hephaestion hated himself for revealing his need, and Alexander was too proud and stubborn to admit his own need.

  
Hephaestion backed off first. He knew that Alexander's life was a lot more complicated than his and that he had far more choices to make than he did. He also knew what Alexander was capable of. Alexander would drop him if he pushed too hard, even if it broke both their hearts.

  
"My father said things to me," Alexander's voice broke into his thoughts, trying for appeasement. His voice was hoarse, as if it pained him to admit it. "He said I had no balls, that I was a girl. He said that because I like music and poetry and the company of boys, that I would never make a man. He said I would never be capable of doing what he had done. That I would never be a king."

  
"Did the Thebans hear all this?" Hephaestion asked, somewhat appalled.

  
"Most of it. But they were laughing and joking, and so were my father's friends. They just thought it was Philip boasting and putting down the young pup. They didn’t realise how much he meant it. But I did."

  
"I'm sorry," Hephaestion said, sounding chastened.

  
"For what?" Alexander asked, bewildered.

  
"For not being there to defend you."

  
"Oh."

  
"You shouldn't have gone to the dinner without your friends. Your father has made a man of you, now he must see what sort of man. He must accord you the respect due a man."

  
"I need a bodyguard."

  
Hephaestion met Alexander's eyes through the darkness. "Right," he said, suddenly assailed with nervousness. "From now on, I come through the door, not the window."

  
"Yes." Alexander stirred, and let out a deep breath he had not known he was holding. "I hate him," he admitted.

  
"Perhaps he is doing his best to be a father, but doesn’t know how," Hephaestion offered tiredly. He felt deeply weary now. His hurt and fear that Alexander would no longer need him had retreated deep inside himself, curled up and lain down like a sick dog. He would examine it later, alone, but the bruise remained. "Perhaps he is trying to educate you about being a king."

  
"Don't delude yourself," Alexander said bitterly. "He's trying to make sure I don't become a rival to him, that I don't become secure in myself. He wants to make sure I know he is in control, not me. He is trying to make me like he is, but I'm not like him. Sometimes I wonder if he really is my father." He sighed, the pain of his father's treatment searing him.

  
Hephaestion had no answer.

  
"Let's get out of here," Alexander asked. "Show me your way out."

  
Hephaestion climbed out of the window and down onto the roof of the stoa below. Moving silently so as not to attract the attention of the guards in the courtyard below, they moved to the corner where the upper rooves met and it was easier to climb up onto them. Once over the rooftree of the inner palace, they moved over the ancillary, lower rooves, until Alexander whispered, "Wait."

  
They sat astride the rooftree of the kitchens facing each other and Alexander said softly, "You definitely need to stop doing this. If you don't slip on a loose tile, one of the guards is going to throw a spear at you." He touched Hephaestion's hand hesitantly. "I couldn't manage without you," he whispered.

  
Hephaestion held himself still. He could still feel Alexander's touch flooding through him like water to a dying man. He wanted to offer him something back, but didn't know what. "Don't you wish sometimes," he said quietly, "that we had wings? We could fly to Troy and be our own masters."

  
Alexander looked up at the blue and purple clouds filling the night sky. "Let's go down to the sea. I want to bathe."

  
"Perhaps Thetis will appear."

  
"Oh, my mother would love that if I have fathered a Neoptolemus."

  
They were silent, considering. "Did you pay her?" Hephaestion asked quietly.

  
"No, I forgot. I will take her a gift tomorrow."

  
"No. I will take it for you. She needs to know the king's son does not run around after prostitutes."

  
"Thank you." Alexander stirred. "How do we get down from here? Slide?"

  
"Yes, but carefully. There's a water barrel to climb down on in that corner."

  
"You show me the way."

**Author's Note:**

> This doesn't work too well. It should have had them falling into each other's arms and declaring their undying love, but I just couldn't do it as it was too sweet and sugary, and life just isn't like that.


End file.
